World Ideologies as Explained by Reference to Cows


FEUDALISM
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn
with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The
government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you
should need.

FASCISM
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care
of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM
You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker
about who has the most “ability” and who has the most “need”.
Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead
of starvation

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government
takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it
on the black market.

PERESTROIKA
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes
all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on
the “free” market.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. You neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY (that’s our system, in case you didn’t know)
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets
the milk.

CAPITALISM
You don’t have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy
cows because you have no cows to put up as collateral.

PURE ANARCHY
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price, or your
neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

BUREAUCRACY (my fave)
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed
them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them.
Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk
down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for
the missing cows.



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